Vouchers

Ladies and Gentlemen, I have always had a special place in my heart for people who believe in and/or take weight loss pills. They represent the basest desires for results without the slightest hint of motivation. They are the epitome of lazy.

They are a near limitless supply of jokes. Seriously. I mean, I am quite a few pounds away from my First Date Weight (re: beer-gutted bastard; fat fuck; full-blown sufferer of Dunlap Disease), and I know it. I also know that, in order to reduce this harpoon-scarred gut I have in front of me, I will have to burn more calories in a day than I consume. Count calories, watch fat intake, etc. One other thing I know is that there is no pill that will melt off the pounds.

Okay, to be fair, there are plenty of things you can take to melt off the pounds. Take crack-cocaine, for instance. Sure, it'll melt the pounds away - along with any desire to shower - but the cons kinda out weigh the pros, know what I mean? Anyone remember Fen-phen?

Well, today I realized that there is an entirely new level of stupid where diet pills are concerned. Xenadrine is running an ad that, like every other weight-loss pill ever marketed, features before-and-after pictures of folks that were a little pudgy in the before and either ripped (for the guys) or smokin, Holy-Two-Piece-Batman hawtness (for the womens). Oh, and there's also a full-blown, certified douchebag celebrity endorsement.

"Yes, you can trust me with medical stuff. Like weight loss, and vaginal freshness."

That, y'all, is a picture of an actual Jersey Shore Douchebag!

In light of this development, we here at Where Sometimes Things Go Bang have developed a new program. It's a voucher program. It's simple: you do something that proves that your seed desperataely, and with great haste, needs to be removed from Ye Olde Gene Pool, and you get a voucher. Take it to your nearest hospital where you can surrender your reproductive organs have a special procedure where you go to sleep, wake up, and they even give you drugs! Hooray drugs, right?

Okay, fuckit. There's no polite way to say it. Get thee to the hospital and get yourself sterile. You are too stupid to reproduce. If you are looking at Senor Douche up there and thinking, "It seems safe!" then you are a moron.



tweaker